The hurt, the pain, the bitterness, the anger are all real and justified. You have been betrayed and the rage and disappointment you feel are all part and parcel of the whole of what happens when trust is broken by infidelity
Your partner swears up and down that they will never hurt you like that again and while you acknowledge their words, you wonder if their reassurance is enough to overcome the trust issues you have.
All of our lives we hear people throw out the philosophy that once a cheater always a cheater and how a leopard cannot change their spots. While these are clichés is there really any truth to them? Can people change and do right by you when you need them to? Do you have to hover or police or have a GPS on your mate to force them to be honourable and true? Can cheaters change?
Alas there is hope: people can change if they really want to, not because they feel compelled or forced by their spouse. Studies have concluded that both sexes cheat in a relationship if they feel something major is lacking with 22% of men doing it versus 13% of women and this covers both those in marriages and committed relationships.
When there is discovery, however, most people recognise that a moment of pleasure is not worth the damage they have wreaked on their union and actually endeavour to work through the pain of the crisis.
An affair is never easy, but it is not the end, unless one party wants it to be. It can be resolved in a manner where in the end, both individuals can re-commit to wanting to work through their issues and make it work.
“I want this and I’m not getting it. What can I do to make you want to work on it with me?
The reality is people CAN learn from their mistakes. They can learn to value what they have and communicate better with their partner to ask for what they need from their relationship. A man can feel comfortable enough to say ‘I want this and I’m not getting it. What can I do to make you want to work on it with me?” A better and deeper relationship has to start with communication followed a commitment to work on areas of weaknesses that both persons have identified.
The cheater has to recognise that they will never ever get everything they need from one person. That is not the whole point of marriage or a monogamous relationship. Just like you, your partner is not perfect so flaws, peeves and idiosyncrasies will abound.
The cheater has to recognise that they will never ever get everything they need from one person.
However, you have to consciously decide that what you have going is worth it, because your life is enhanced or enriched by the person’s presence in it. Hence, you commit to making better decisions going forward and the biggest decision to make is to either keep it in your pants or keep your legs closed.