Gwyneth Paltrow, hey, can we talk?
Maybe it’s none of my business, but tell me, in 2020 – two millennia and two decades after Jesus’s death – why, as a movie-enthusiast, should I care you aren’t acting anymore?
Pepper Potts wants her confidence back.
If I overlook The Politician, then arguably your last good role was in Great Expectations… In 1998.
If we’re keeping it at a buck, as I always do, there are many more instant quits I’d take much more seriously in Hollywood.
To be fair, I’ll just list five:
I’m sorry, but you have to die while filming to leave showbiz. A true ICON.
The range, the versatility. Best know that hell would freeze over before I allow you to leave acting, Viola.
You’re just so good!
Bird Box. Gravity. The Blind Side. Speed. Miss Congeniality. The Lake House. The Proposal. Gwyneth, do you need me to go further?
What’s Love Got To Do With It. Waiting To Exhale. American Horror Story. How Stella Got Her Groove Back. I hate to break it to you, but this isn’t working out in your favour.
Always Angelina. This is no longer a debate. How dare I even attempt to compare her relevance to anyone? *scolds myself internally*
One movie: SALT. End of story.
And just in case you thought this was remotely over, here are a few younger (I’m sorry) actresses that have much more potential:
Kimberly Elise, Sanaa Lathan, Emily Blunt, Lupita Nyong’o, Anne Hathaway, Emma Stone, Rooney Mara and Naomi Harris.
Now, I mean, I’m sure it’s such a fulfilling career over the years, so maybe this is for the best.
I see this as a good thing for everyone involved, Ms Paltrow – that way we’ll all be spared from a repeat of that awful Golden Globes ensemble that I can’t unsee.
Take some time on Goop, eat some keto meals with Oprah and re-evaluate, hun. You deserve it.