What do you do when you’re stuck at home because of a pandemic? Play a celebrity edition of ‘Smash, Marry or Kill’ – at least that’s what dancehall artiste Spice did. The blue-haired deejay is quarantining at her Atlanta home, and revealed she would marry Beyoncé and smash Drake in her YouTube vlog yesterday.
Presented with music royalties, Beyoncé, Ciara and Missy Elliott, Spice said she’d put a ring on Queen Bey, referencing the infamous 2014 elevator incident between Jay-Z and Solange.
“Beyoncé is polished honey, and well-trained so I would marry Beyoncé,” Spice started. “Why? Mi see one elevator video wid Beyoncé, yuh memba when Beyoncé inna di elevator and Jay-Z and Solange dem a fight? Di girl stand up and she don’t move… and the kick a gwaan and Solange a rail up and Jay-Z a try hold on pon Solange foot and Beyoncé was so polished…
“Mi watch di video ’bout 100 times, mi a wonder if it’s a mannequin. So I would marry Beyoncé cause she’s quite polished. She nah go flare up and wonder weh mi a come from, what time mi a come een…”
“Mi definitely a go kill R Kelly cause mi nuh waan nobody piss pon me. “– Spice
She opted to smash her ‘Misdemeanor’ friend, and kill Ciara. Also getting the axe was Lil Wayne, among a line-up including Drake and Popcaan.
While incidentally snacking on some popcorn, Spice said she would marry the ‘Unruly Boss’, but get it on with his OVO principal, in a car trunk, underneath a bed, and even in a tree.
“Yuh know mi like Drake, mi nah lie mi woulda smash Drake, mi cya hide it…something ’bout Drake, boy look good,” she said. “Mi woulda have a different sex with Drake. True mi know seh whole heap a girl probably throw themselves at Drake and have sex with Drake, my sex wid Drake woulda different. Mi woulda carry Drake inna one tree outside…and mek Drake get one piece a board and beat me inna mi back wid the board. Mi woulda waan Drake drape mi up and squeeze mi inna mi throat right deh so.”
Also on her smash list was former United States president Barack Obama (she sent her apologies to wife, Michelle), Buju Banton and Bounty Killer. Bill Cosby almost made the cut, when presented among a lineup of embattled celebs R Kelly and Harvey Weinstein.
“Mi definitely a go kill R Kelly cause mi nuh waan nobody piss pon me. Wid Bill Cosby now, some a di stuff dem we nuh know if a lie or true so mi woulda…Imma kill all three,” she ultimately changed her mind.
Some of her marriage prospects were Cardi B, whom she likened her personality to, and Nicki Minaj, to experience the pink Barbie’s world.
Longtime friends Cham and Vybz Kartel also made the cut for marriage, while Sizzla, Beenie Man and Stevie J got axed.