If men could have babies…

Now here is one universal, irrefutable truth that men generally do not like to hear … while you refer to us as the ‘weaker sex’, you all cannot handle pain very well. From a simple toothache or gas pain to a complicated hernia, men act as if the world is ending and want to be pampered at the first hint of pain.  

So if men are so defenceless and helpless over slight discomfort and minimal pain, how would they act if they had to handle pregnancy, labour and delivery?

Not only would the world come to a screeching halt, as reproduction as we know it would cease to exist, but more importantly the world’s population would become extinct in short order.

When that water breaks and contractions start, it would be next level world war three crisis up in that delivery room!

Instead of Lamaze and breathing techniques, it would probably be frantic screams and frustrated yells by bloated men with distended stomachs running around like chickens with their heads cut off!

The initial challenge for them would be the early stages or first trimester when morning sickness is part of the package for some. Can you fathom men dealing with nausea and vomiting that can actually last well past the morning hours?

Them having to give up a juicy steak and chewing on saltine crackers because red meat and fish make them nauseous? They would go crazy when they figure out that curried goat and barbecue Chicken would not be on the menu for a while.

Next, they would have to deal with being moody. Many of them are already temperamental, so with a baby in the oven, their mood swings would be amplified times ten. The swearing, yelling and temper tantrums would probably be so bad that their partners would probably put them in timeout like a two-year-old!

Then for good measure, spice things up with swollen feet and a huge belly that makes them waddle around like a duck and makes sitting, sleeping and lotioning feet the most awkward thing ever. It may be funny to onlookers but when you are the ‘waddler’ in question, there is nothing amusing about having a protruding body part that knocks stuff over as if it has a mind of its own.

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Now let us discuss the discovery of stretch marks! This is when they get to share in having the battle scars of childbirth. Can you imagine those tiny lines cross-crossing across those beer and Buddha bellies? Wouldn’t that be a sight for sore eyes?

And finally the coup d’état…childbirth itself! We welcome them to the world of hours-long, intense pain, wherein even your eyesight is compromised. They would climb walls, bite bed railings and curse the gods of sex and 2-minute orgasms during the process. An epidural may be their only saving grace but the real big question is …where is that 9-pound infant going to pop out from?!

Guys, understand that while you may be able to bench-press 300 pounds, change a tyre, fix a leaking pipe and kill a croaking lizard, women handle emotions, suffering and pain a lot better and we usually accomplish it without excessive whining.

— Story written by C.W.