When baby names go horribly wrong

A few years ago the Registrar General’s Department made an announcement pleading with parents to think long and hard when choosing names for their babies.

You spent nine months preparing for the arrival of your bundle of joy. Take a week to write, research, test and select a name.

This call came as some selected names were borderline absurd with little thought given as to how it may impact the child later on.

People were curious to know how bad these names could be and were they in for a shock when they learnt ‘Syphilis’ and ‘Chlamydia’ made the shortlist.

Seriously? Was no research was done on the meanings and no baby books available? They essentially condemned their kids to a lifetime of snickers and side eyes solely based on how the words rolled off their tongue and sounded exotic? This is why my mother says common sense isn’t so common anymore.

Some children are doomed to a life of bad puns and off-colour jokes because of terrible name selections.

In the late 1970s, the United Nations came up with some universal rights of a child to ensure that each and every individual had the basic tools to equip them throughout childhood. Rights such as the right to an education, healthcare, to be heard etc were all established but it seems that the goodly people overlooked the right to a sensible name that won’t get your butt kicked on the playground. They could not have envisioned the sheer stupidity if not downright cruelty of some parents.

Indeed, it is cruelty to name your child ‘Airwrecka’ which incidentally is supposed to be the modern day version of ‘Erica’. It may be a modern interpretation but it sure is goofy. Add to the list of chief offenders are ‘Supermercado’ (I kid you not!), ‘Cumtekesha’ and ‘Cleogel’, the last of which sounds like something you rub on liver spots. Then you have names like ‘Sheliveya’, Sangumental’ and ‘Lucifer.’ Why would anyone condemn their child to a name like Lucifer?! It boggles the mind.

In particular, parents need to be cognisant of the names they assign their daughters. Names like Cinnamon, Porsche, Caramel and Diamond have been relegated to exotic dancers, and while cute in childhood, won’t likely age so well.