Your best friend convinced you that meeting a man at church or at the workplace is so last century, so she hooked you up with a dating app and you started swiping left and right as you scroll through the endless possibilities of man meat.
Suddenly you realise that you’re even pickier today than you were when you started dating in your late teens but what exactly should be your deal-breakers when seeking a partner?
Now everyone has their own pet peeves, likes, dislikes and hang-ups but the following should head the general list of ‘no-no’ when it comes to soulmate selection.
Firstly, the nose picker has got to go! I do not know what some are digging for but they need to apply to China Harbour Engineering Company (CHEC) for one of those excavation positions. He may sit across from or beside you and then reach over to touch you! Fix it Jesus!
Introducing the tight pants posse! If your phone or your ‘package’ is clearly visible through your pants, it is a no love. At the opposite end of the extreme are the ‘saggy bottom boys’. There is honestly no worse fashion infraction than a man who allows his underwear — usually discoloured and dingy ones — to show.
If you are a bonafide ‘mamma’s boy’ then you need to stay home with your mamma. She will love you unconditionally and walk behind you to clean up your mess and wash, sort and fold your laundry. No grown, independent woman should ever have to compete with that kind of love and devotion. Cue J-Lo’s Ain’t Your Mama!
The ‘phone searcher’ is another ‘no can do’. No listening to old voice notes, scrolling through Whatsapp messages scrutinising display pictures. Thou shall not be subjected to that kind of invasion of privacy.
The chronic cheater. You know the type. The ones that say hate the game, not the player and proceed to explain that every female in his car is his cousin on his father’s side.
The woman beater. If one more misguided woman say, ‘If he doesn’t hit me he don’t love me’, I will snatch off my wig. Under no circumstances is it okay for his fist to connect with your eye. If he cannot walk away when he gets angry, then you should walk out.
The narcissist. Yes, he is not a suitable mate either because he is not interested in whatever you have going on. It is all about his day, activities and feelings. You are just there to be his cheerleader but do not expect the same in return. Indeed why should you have to compete with his mirror?
Mr 10 pm. There is a man on the loose formerly known as ‘Booty call Bob’. The man who never takes you anywhere except to visit his 10-foot divan bed. You will never meet his family or friends; all the food he feeds you is either delivery or take out and he is never available to accept your calls during the day. It is like you are literally dating a ghost. Be gone, Casper!
The ‘baby mamma’ seeker. Lord! If a man ever starts a first (or second or third) date with that line, you need to make like a tree and leave! This individual means you no good, as being lauded for your fertility is not only demeaning but cheapens the whole business of bringing new life into this world.
The Neanderthal. The caveman type that wants you to wash, cook and clean because for him domesticity is woman’s work. Women have long moved from wearing an apron to rocking business suits or any professional attire so the man who wants to keep you barefooted and busy cleaning is not welcomed through your door.
Having said all of that, you have to be mindful not to pass over a good man with a few flaws. Just because his socks do not match or he needs to lose ten pounds, does not mean he cannot be Mr. Right.
Some things you can overlook or make suggestions on how to improve that diamond in the rough.
If his fashion sense is not on point then gently help him transform from corduroy to linen. Sometimes it just takes some patience and a good makeover to take a man from Gully Bop to Idris Elba.
Women, what are some of your deal breakers?